This week's blog is about the importance of having the right people around you and the clarity of hindsight, and a call to follow your own instincts.
Have you ever made an unpopular decision that you still recognise as the right one for you? Or, have you ever felt strangely confused about a decision you've made that only made sense in retrospect?
I have, and it has only become clear years later.
A few months ago I was updating my LinkedIn profile, and noticed that one of my favourite work colleagues had taken the leap and stepped out to follow her natural talents by developing her own business as a consultant. I remember sitting in front on my laptop feeling so excited for her, and the possibilities for all her potential clients, because she had a such a natural gift of facilitating. I could nearly hear our laughter from the times we shared an office and when we used to go out for after work drinks.
I immediately sent a contact request and sent her a text message asking her whether she was free on the weekend for a chat. I didn't hear back for about a week, and was shocked to receive quite a terse response back, letting me know that she would prefer only to stay in contact over LinkedIn. At first, I was surprised by the response, and then I remembered...despite me feeling such a deep respect for her energy, her honesty and who she was, I had forgotten that many years earlier things had ended abruptly.
A few days later I went through my emails, to try and piece together the details of our last interactions. As it turns out, I had left the conversation open-ended, because we had differing views about how a friendship should operate.
Back then, I was overly drained from a complex romantic relationship, had been reliving earlier traumas in my life within my workplace and had withdrawn from all but a few very close and compassionate people in an effort to create a safe cocoon for myself to heal.
At that time, she felt that I was ignoring the opportunity for growth by not being honest to her about what was happening, and believed that a friendship was characterised by people telling each other the "harsh realities" and "weaknesses" of a person, as it was key to her growth as an individual.
Back then, even though I didn't realise it, I knew deeply and intuitively what was going to be best for me.
Yet, looking back, I can wholeheartedly see myself with compassion, and how right that decision was for me then. Obviously blocking people out regularly isn't a way forward, and there were grains of truth in her conversation with me. But, in the review of that situation, I still back myself 100%. More than ever, I recognise that I was doing my best with the information at the time and how critical it was to choose the right audience for my story.
I still haven't written back to her yet because I feel like it would only reinforce the differences in our views. I'm sad that this I am in a position to share what had happened, and how deeply affected I was back then, but when I asked myself: Is it in my best interest to share this part of my story? I still said no.
Perhaps there is a time that the conversation can close, and perhaps it's best for a time when we can meet in person but in the meantime, I'm keeping that door ajar but not wide open.
From the conversations I've had recently, there are many stories of people feeling guilt and shame around their capacity (or lack thereof) to share their experiences with others. Just know that it is safe to be selective about who has the honour of hearing your story until you find the right tribe to share it with.
I'd love to hear about your own experiences with this so please feel free to comment on the Third Way Facebook page or email me directly at india(at)thirdway(dot)com(dot)au.
Have you ever made an unpopular decision that you still recognise as the right one for you? Or, have you ever felt strangely confused about a decision you've made that only made sense in retrospect?
I have, and it has only become clear years later.
A few months ago I was updating my LinkedIn profile, and noticed that one of my favourite work colleagues had taken the leap and stepped out to follow her natural talents by developing her own business as a consultant. I remember sitting in front on my laptop feeling so excited for her, and the possibilities for all her potential clients, because she had a such a natural gift of facilitating. I could nearly hear our laughter from the times we shared an office and when we used to go out for after work drinks.
I immediately sent a contact request and sent her a text message asking her whether she was free on the weekend for a chat. I didn't hear back for about a week, and was shocked to receive quite a terse response back, letting me know that she would prefer only to stay in contact over LinkedIn. At first, I was surprised by the response, and then I remembered...despite me feeling such a deep respect for her energy, her honesty and who she was, I had forgotten that many years earlier things had ended abruptly.
A few days later I went through my emails, to try and piece together the details of our last interactions. As it turns out, I had left the conversation open-ended, because we had differing views about how a friendship should operate.
Back then, I was overly drained from a complex romantic relationship, had been reliving earlier traumas in my life within my workplace and had withdrawn from all but a few very close and compassionate people in an effort to create a safe cocoon for myself to heal.
At that time, she felt that I was ignoring the opportunity for growth by not being honest to her about what was happening, and believed that a friendship was characterised by people telling each other the "harsh realities" and "weaknesses" of a person, as it was key to her growth as an individual.
Back then, even though I didn't realise it, I knew deeply and intuitively what was going to be best for me.
- I knew that I had to be selective about the people I chose to share my story with;
- I knew I needed to break the pattern of revealing too much of myself to people who didn't respect my story as well as my capacity to learn and evolve of my own accord; and
- I knew that I needed to be listening to wiser, more gentle and less-controlling words of wisdom.
Yet, looking back, I can wholeheartedly see myself with compassion, and how right that decision was for me then. Obviously blocking people out regularly isn't a way forward, and there were grains of truth in her conversation with me. But, in the review of that situation, I still back myself 100%. More than ever, I recognise that I was doing my best with the information at the time and how critical it was to choose the right audience for my story.
I still haven't written back to her yet because I feel like it would only reinforce the differences in our views. I'm sad that this I am in a position to share what had happened, and how deeply affected I was back then, but when I asked myself: Is it in my best interest to share this part of my story? I still said no.
Perhaps there is a time that the conversation can close, and perhaps it's best for a time when we can meet in person but in the meantime, I'm keeping that door ajar but not wide open.
From the conversations I've had recently, there are many stories of people feeling guilt and shame around their capacity (or lack thereof) to share their experiences with others. Just know that it is safe to be selective about who has the honour of hearing your story until you find the right tribe to share it with.
I'd love to hear about your own experiences with this so please feel free to comment on the Third Way Facebook page or email me directly at india(at)thirdway(dot)com(dot)au.
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