Sometimes when we feel strong emotions it's not the emotion itself that causes us grief, but the stories we tell ourselves that go with it.
I had a pretty happy childhood. Until I was 11 I experienced a very stable home environment, loads of friends at school (ha! some of the little people in this picture are still in my life today), pets and lots of laughter. Sadness was only ever brief and I was generally a happy little person.
However, at 11 my whole life turned upside down when our family moved overseas to France. Looking back, it was a great way to broaden my horizons, learn a new language and see a whole new world. But, understandably at the time I felt completely overwhelmed and disorientated. My new French school friends spoke a different language to me, seemed so much older and much more mature (they were smoking outside the school gates at 13!), and didn't know anything about the TV shows, sports or book characters I loved! My buddies were in a country most of my new classmates had barely heard of.
Plus, I was no longer 2nd in my class in any subject, and I couldn't tell the teachers what I was feeling or why I was confused. For months and months I persevered to learn the words that would help me formulate full sentences and enable me to communicate fluently again. Perhaps the most challenging part was not doing well in school I was so used to being part of a core group of friends, and coming 1st, 2nd or 3rd in my subjects that I felt frustrated, sad and helpless.
One day after school I was crying in frustration and homesickness for my old life and I recall speaking to a family friend of ours, Madame Diez. 'Madame' helped me and my younger siblings with our seemingly endless homework. I distinctly recall her telling me that it was ok and I had to be a 'big girl' and that life wasn't that bad. That there were lots of good things around me and that I shouldn't cry.
For years after that I kept telling myself that I was being unreasonable and weak for feelings of homesickness or sadness. I'd shut those 'bad' feelings out and wish that I was happier, stronger, more resilient and less emotion. Little did I know that a powerful lesson in perspective was coming my way.
A couple of years ago my mother followed up on an old agreement that she would invite Madame Diez to Australia as a thank you for her help and patience in our early years living there.
She arrived in Australia from France and the poor thing was so affected by overwhelm that she couldn't leave the house. She pleaded to Mum to help her around the city, telling Mum that she couldn't speak the language, and couldn't figure out the public transport system and couldn't bear going anywhere alone. She was clearly distressed and deeply frightened by the thought of going out into this alien city.
Watching this I felt huge compassion for her pain and then something strange happened. I felt huge compassion for myself, all those years back, feeling overwhelmed, lost and disorientated. Not only was I facing similar circumstances to her, but I also was only 11 years old. No wonder I felt that way, I didn't have access to the maps, translation tools, or inner wisdom to navigate all those situations I was facing.
So often people tell us what we should and shouldn't be feeling, but the reality is that no-one else can feel things in the same way as us, because we all have our own standards, expectations, life experiences that shape how we interpret each event.
Had I had someone in my life who could hear me out, validate my feelings as they were, highlighted the ways in which I could be a little kinder to myself and let me figure out that being disorientated, a little sad, and lost is normal for anyone moving to a new country; and in doing so I could have by-passed years of berating myself for feeling the standard ups and downs of life.
Luckily since then I've learnt to be more selective of who, if anyone's, opinion of my feelings I take on board. I've learnt to listen to myself first, and then ask for help, and when I do, I've made sure that they have overcome similar circumstances to my own.
Ideally that person would have moved overseas to a country where they couldn't speak the language, and been able to tell me that the teething period was going to be tough for a short while, but get easier in time. Someone with the same life experience but a different perspective would have been perfect for me back then.
- Are you getting enough support from the people around you?
- Do they truly understand the challenges you face?
- Could there be a better way, a more personalised solution for you right now?
My course Crisis to Connection aims to combine effective stress management techniques, a realistic understanding of your working environment combined with an outsiders perspective to help you navigate your current challenges. Read all the details here
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